I watched her trek on the street, holding the hand of a little boy: my Son. She wore a faded skirt and a blouse... She was ahead of me, across the street. I wound down the windshield of the tinted car to have a proper view of my Ex Lover; Naomi.
It was 5 years ago, we were both in Law School. She was only in her sophomore, and I was in my fourth year when we met. I went to see a friend in the female hostel, and I bumped into her; Naomi, spilling her books on the floor. It was like a scene from a movie. I bent down to pick them, our fingers sparked when they brushed each other... There was that unnecessary, lingering eye contact. The way she tucked her hair behind her ear, chewing her lower lip nervously. Right there, I knew I wanted her.
We exchanged contacts. Naomi was clumsy, always blushing, always talking too fast when upset. She nagged when I was out of reach and had strange episodes that made no sense. Instead of repelling me, all these things fascinated me. What I thought was attraction was perhaps just a fascination I mistook for love.
We got too close, and started having sleepovers. She'd dress provocatively around me, and have her fingers linger on my shoulders a little longer than necessary. I was the huge basketballer, and she was the fragile tiny princess I wanted to protect.
We began living together... She got really clingy. She'd fall sick when I travel home, she'd stay out of class just to cook for me. I felt guilty, but whenever I tried to distance myself, she'd plead with me that she was dying. I found it funny. I mocked her devotion with my friends. They laughed, I laughed too. Still, she kept giving: stealing from her parents to buy me handouts, going on dates with men just to bring me food. She swore she never crossed the line with them, but to me, even her sitting with another man was disloyalty. Yet, I indulged in her sacrifices. She gave me a home I never earned, and because of that, I never valued her.
One night, she looked into my eyes.
"Promise me you'll always protect me," she whispered. "From your friends, from your family... If we marry, you'll shield me from everything."
I laughed. "Relax, Naomi. There are no wolves in my circle."
Her eyes didn't flinch. "Promise you'll never expose me to harm. Promise you'll never let me go, never let me down. It has to be the two of us-against the world."
And I did promise. Foolishly, perhaps sincerely, I told her, "I'll always protect you. I'll never let you go, I'll never let you down. I'll care for you wherever you are, and if you run away from me because of my inadequacies, I'll find you."
For the first time, I allowed myself to imagine a future with her.
She got pregnant... I knew fully well she'd never let anyone close, besides me... Yet I denied the pregnancy. It's not like I didn't have feelings for her, but I was too scared to be a Father. I had prospects for my life, Fatherhood was a stage I had no Intent of stepping into. I deserted her. I watched her break, piece by piece. She shattered without any hope of recompense.
She told her mum, her mum tried to meet with me but I was such a coward. Her mother; fearing the wrath of Naomi's father, told her to abort the pregnancy, she refused. Naomi insisted on keeping the child. Soon her Father — A religious Chief— found out about the pregnancy. He told her to get rid of the pregnancy or he'd quit sponsoring her education. She was on the verge of terminating it when the Man fell into a deep coma. He suffered a heart attack and was in a vegetative state.
She came to see me one day, with tears in her eyes...
"But you promised... You promised it's going to be us two, against the world. You promised you'd never let me go, and wherever I am... You would find me."
"Well I'm only human, I'm not some super hero with capes." I turned around and walked out on her.
"You promised to always love me!" She knelt as she choked on her tears.
"I was never one to make promises... You forced me." The distance grew greater till I walked in and shut my cousin's door.
I was the wolf, how could I protect her from myself? I was the monster I created.
I entangled myself in the arms of my course mate passionately; in my cousin's lodge, while Naomi wept outside.
She kept showing up at my doorstep, which caused me to avoid my apartment. I had moved out of the apartment we shared to give her space but she was hell bent on fixing things. The day she saw me with another lady, she went wild— destructive. I hit her, even in her pregnant state. I bruised her.
She dropped out of school. She disappeared... I was unbothered and continued messing around with other Ladies. The ones who knew very well how to manage their ovaries, and would never get pregnant.
I graduated with a first class degree. I was called to Bar, and I officially became a Solicitor of the Supreme Court of Nigeria. I got into my Uncle's Chamber, and I lost only two cases. With his mentorship, I became a household name in the Federal Capital Territory (FCT) Abuja. I became a tool in the hands of governors and politicians.
But no success could silence my past. Justice became my calling, yet in my dreams Naomi haunted me-crying, begging, broken. I had a panting desire to right the wrongs and reconcile with my child. Is it a boy? A girl? Where would I even begin? I searched for her everywhere. She had no social media, no trace. I even bought the old house we once lived in, just to sit in that room where life first began for us. I begged police officials for help, sent undercovers. After two months, they found her.
Her father had died in his coma. She was now a schoolteacher, raising my son with her mother. Unmarried. Struggling. I watched blurry videos of him at school, cared for by classmates while Naomi taught. Their life was small, harsh, undeservedly cruel.
Her mother and herself didn't get a dime after her father's demise. I was upset and I knew I could take the case to court and speak as her attorney.
And then today; I saw her. For the first time in years, holding my son's hand.
If only I had been half the man I am now, she would never have suffered. I wouldn't have abandoned her. It isn't love that brought me here, but instinct: provider, protector, father; and the sense of humanity in me. Yet fear grips me. Would she forgive me? Would she allow me near?
I sat here looking at Naomi. I shouldn't have desserted her. I shouldn't have chickened away. I could have been responsible for her and my child.
Now I'm confused, I know she hates me. I know she never wants to see me again, but I need "just this chance."
Enough cowardice. I jumped out of the car. Sprinting after her with my Jean trousers and Maroon long sleeves shirt. "Naomi!" I called. She froze. It was obvious she recognized my voice from her tension.
"Naomi!" I called again. She looked back and the look in her eyes broke me.
It's not the hatred I expected to see, it wasn't bitterness.
It was not indifference or spite.
It was fear, she looked scared.
She grabbed our son tighter, and started to run away.
I chased after her... But her skirt did not resist her from contending with gravity. She wasn't fleeing from an ex lover, or a stranger. She fled from the Prince of her autonomous, non magical predicament; the sponsor of her agony, and the pioneer of her nightmares...
Me.
****
ORATOR:
Sometimes having children outside the marital space is done with intent. Every kid deserves a home.
It could be quite unsettling to raise a kid without help: as this is the case most times.
Abortion; I have no right to reprimand, but every child has a right to live.
Taking actions that could bring children into the world without planning should be avoided. But, if they do come along, please don't discard them.
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