Infidelity III

 

When an offence is made, many quickly throw stones and discriminate.

But discrimination doesn't solve the problem; it only enforces it sooner or later.

We see a lot of married men with concubines and mistresses; on the other hand, married women reciprocating. 

Infidelity is not gender-based. There's now a new trend in vogue encouraging women to cheat whenever their husbands do so.

Let's explore the possibilities of dissolving this trend and evaluate the situation with scrutiny.

So, a man is groomed by society to be a provider. His role is rehearsed to him right from boyhood.

In his teenage years, he starts providing one way or the other, not many paying attention to his means or emotional well-being.

There's pressure to perform, so he does exactly that. He performs.

He gets a sustainable/appreciable channel of income, and society tells him, "It's time to tie the knot!"

He starts to search for another performer who'd come and play the role his character can't perform:

a homemaker, a child-bearer, a supporter, an assistant, and a companion.

These are the characteristics the performer must possess—a quiet one who would submit, respect, and manage his affairs.

He is told, "Don't marry who you love; love who you marry."

So there's an expectation for him to perform—to act love, to demonstrate care. Sometimes he wants to break character. He wants to be a boy again. He wants to rebel, he wants to feel alive. He wants to be free, and he wants to feel the spark his scripted performance doesn't entail.

So he gets her. Who? The mistress.

He feels free. He feels uncontrolled. He feels in charge. He feels at peace. He feels his ego stroking him back because he has something precious—a choice no one forced on him. And he has little or no expectations from the mistress. He just wants her to be there, not necessarily because he loves her, but because she's a perfect projector of the side of him he suppressed—the real him behind the stage of performance.

He feeds off her energy. He believes she makes him happy.

At home, he's expected to lead, to provide, to be a good role model. He's expected to be tough and to solve all problems—broken tap, electricity bill, etc. So he sees himself as the object his wife is to him. He becomes emotionally detached one way or the other. Why? Because his spark is elsewhere.

The kids are searching, but they can't find Daddy! They are told, "Daddy is busy with responsibilities. He's providing!"

The wife questions her worth every day. Why wouldn't he touch me? Is he seeing someone else? Am I no longer attractive? Does he even think of me? I know he loves me, but what's going on?

Dear wives, you are not the problem. There's a misdirection of affection, honour, and value. You are only performing; he expects you to know your place.

Your husband is hiding behind a mask. Can you bring him out of his costume? Can you break character? Can you change his narrative to make him see you beyond an object?

You don't win a man's heart by performing. You do so by just being. For the right one, all you have to do is exist.

There's a saying: men choose to love who they love. That's just one of the many lies told. A man's heart chooses for itself, but his ego has the final say. And because men are generally rebellious, they like to rebel against their hearts. So there's often this tug of war. That's why, when a man loves a woman, at the initial stage he feels unstable—unsure, uncertain.

And with the one he chooses, he acts out a script; he has rehearsed the scenes and everything just flows. But that's never enough. Hence they'd say, "Women are hard to please."

It just doesn't feel enough. A woman in love doesn't really want the whole world; she just wants to put her head on your chest and know you'd always be there. She wants to know you'd go to the ends of the earth for her, and if you could, you'd give her the whole world.

That's why most women are never satisfied with what they are given, because that's not what they really want.

So, to the man, the mistress is his peace, and his wife is his palace—the palace he shows the world. He cheats because he wants to live for himself, to feel excited, and to feel like he's in charge of his choices without being controlled. It's all about him, not even the mistress. When he's tired of her, he replaces her with another, and another. Surprisingly, he's not satisfied. So that's proof he's been lying to himself all along. His mistress is not his peace; he's trying to make her perform as his peace, because he's an actor.

Why do women cheat?

Women cheat when they are neglected, when they are made to settle, when they are not loved or in love. A woman who's loved by a man she's in love with would never cheat.

Women have more capacity to endure and to bear pain. A woman could stick with a man through hell and beneath, but she wants to be sure he wouldn't neglect her for another when all is said and done.

The most materialistic women are the most loyal women. Once upon a time, they loved so hard, so provokingly, so intentionally, but they were undervalued and abused, neglected and forsaken. So they turned their affection to materialistic objects, saying, "If he really loves me, he'd give me the whole world. If he doesn't love me, he'd refuse me what I ask of him, or what I don't ask." Where is the lie?

Women also cheat when they've put up with a man's infidelity for too long. They cheat for revenge or for consolation. Most times, after cheating, they still feel as neglected and as frustrated as they were before betraying matrimony. Sometimes they feel worse, knowing they bonded with someone else and still don't feel satisfied. Eventually, they become emotionally numb.

Wives become emotionally numb to their husbands because they've put up with too much emotional damage. The husbands don't feel the energy around their wives anymore, hence they look for someone young and vibrant.

What's to be done about it?

People marry for different reasons. You should have a purpose for marriage. But you marrying because you are expected to as a man is the beginning of the end of that union.

Love is that which perfects all things.

Choose love and compatibility above pressure and performance.

Know you are owned by your wife, and she's now your other half.

A man who cheats on a woman he genuinely loves lacks self-control. Genuine love finds satisfaction even in the absence of total provision or perfection.

Faithfulness is a choice; peace is what you give yourself. You don't find your peace in a person—you are self-existing. It's from the peace you have that you give to others. It's from the peace others have that you receive of.

Faithfulness is a choice. Infidelity is a choice.

One serves the purpose of marriage better. If you don't love your wife, your home wouldn't stand strong. Your kids would be the direct beneficiaries of your selfishness.

A man initiates; a woman reciprocates. When you love her genuinely, she'd love you. When you give her peace and happiness, she'd give you in double portion.

Your mistresses are a direct disrespect to your wife. And a wife is the glory of her husband; hence, you are dimming your glory.

As a woman, infidelity doesn't satisfy you. It's easier for women to fall in love than for men.

If you don't have feelings for him, at the very least, don't marry him. Else, you'd move around multiple beds while your wedding ring sits pretty on your finger.

Cheating back doesn't solve the problem. Just try your best to fix your home, and when he's not changing, leave him alone.

Don't ever put up with infidelity; he'd get comfortable, knowing you aren't going anywhere.

Focus on yourself, on your purpose and your dreams. Don't ever stop dreaming, no matter how long it's been since you walked down the aisle and said, "I do."

Women should learn to be at peace with themselves and to always give peace. A wife should avoid venting out anger on her husband. Channel that anger elsewhere and always make deliberate efforts to please him. Men are moved by calm and emotional stability. Choose peace.

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